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The Big/Little Picture

Posted in Personal

Hello. I wanted to – I want to talk about some stuff – it relates to my video the other week .. (whenever it was that I posted it) about therapy. And I guess I was wondering if you beans* would like me to share more stuff like this. I know that a lot of people, particularly these days are saying how important it is that we’re talking about stuff like this, and I completely agree, and I’m willing to share my journey – or some of my journey at least – at the moment I feel I’m willing to share my journey – with my social media. So if you maybe would like that, then a few people saying, “yep, that sounds like a good idea” would be encouraging for me to be able to keep doing that. So I’m going to share something now because yeah, I think, it doesn’t matter who you are, it doesn’t matter what your job is – going to therapy and discovering stuff about yourself is really important, really valid, and scary.

So, I had a therapy session on Tuesday. I have them fortnightly, and we actually spent most of the session discussing my hair colour, because dying my hair actually brought up a load of insecurities in me, which was a big shock. I was really surprised and it kind of unlocked a few things that I didn’t realise were there.

And then later I was chatting with someone – a couple of days later…in fact, it was yesterday. And I was saying some things, and I realised the meaning of the words “you are enough”. Because I see that a lot in self-care, in self-love, in reminding yourself that you’re amazing. And I kinda get it – I understand it. But yesterday I fully understood it, and I’m actually still working to believe it, and I never thought I would think that. I’ve always thought that I thought I was enough.

And I realised that … – so I’m going to share a little bit of my past… – in my previous relationship which ended nearly 2 years ago. I did everything – in my opinion. I looked after this person. I financially supported them, I physically and emotionally supported them. I filled out forms. I pushed to get them to appointments and I encouraged them to follow passions. I helped them with work stuff – trying to find work. My parents helped a lot as well, and I’m not going to go into details but a lot. I was also working self employed full-time running essentially several businesses. I – we got a house, and I was paying for all of it, and I was paying a cleaner twice a week at one point just to keep on top of stuff, because I couldn’t keep on top of the washing up and the laundry and all of that as well as everything else I was doing, and I still didn’t feel like I was enough as a partner.

And I only realized that yesterday. And that’s quite a big revelation I think. So yesterday I found a lot of insecurities in myself, and this morning I was still feeling them, and I’m still feeling them now, although a little less – I’m a little better. And at the moment, I’m really struggling because I’m thinking “I’ve identified this now, right? Okay – noticed it cool. Can we get rid of it now? Can those insecurities please now go away, because I’ve worked out.” and it doesn’t work like that. I know it doesn’t work like that. And it’s really hard because I know that I’m going to have these thoughts and feelings pop up probably over the next few months – and they should get less, hopefully, and I’ve got people that I can talk to, and I’ve got my therapist I can talk to, but it’s going to take a long time to work through that I think, and that’s going to impact me in ways I probably can’t imagine at the moment and that’s quite scary – and that’s okay.

And I think that’s kind of one of the things with therapy, when people say it’s scary. It’s not like a big scary monster. It’s little things that you discover about yourself, and you have to figure out how to work through them. So yeah, I just wanted to share that really. I’ve got people that I’m talking to. I’ve got my therapist, I’ve got friends, I’ve got people that are supporting me and being incredible – absolutely incredible, and sometimes I feel a bit like a fraud. Like my problems – they’re nothing, why am I being so ridiculous about them – and I look at the bigger picture and I see it – and I go yeah, I see it all – I see how I fit and what all of this means to me, and I’m like, I’m great with that – I’m fantastic with that – I love that. And then I pull back and I look at what I’m looking at right now and this small little moment right now. And that is what’s hard. You can understand the big picture, and understand and know what you want your feelings to be, but actually getting there and feeling them might not happen straight away. I hope it happens. I’m gonna go and be positive and say it does happen. But right now I’m in that moment where I look at the bigger picture and I go yeah love that love that big picture. And I look at the small picture. This immediate right now. And it’s hard and it’s tricky.

So yeah, that’s my little therapy update. Let me know if you’d like more – if it’s helpful, if it’s interesting or if it’s not. And I’ll stop if not, but I think it’s important we’re talking about things like this and showing that everybody – everybody goes through stuff. And yeah, so I’m going to sign off by saying you are enough. And I now really understand how powerful that can be for someone who needs it.

*beans is a term I use for all humans.