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Sharing Authentically during Lockdown

Posted in Personal

Hi All.

Um…I don’t really know why I’m doing this video, but there we go. I….


I don’t actually know what to say. I’m not doing great.

I was doing all right, really good actually, and yeah today has just really hit me.

As some of you probably know I live on my own and….yeah, it’s really hard. And…I keep telling people to reach out and say things, so I guess that’s what I’m doing. But yeah, I’m struggling with only being able to see people through a screen. The only people I don’t see through a screen are my neighbours every Thursday and Saturday, but even then, you know, obviously we’re socially distanced, so I see them from two meters away, and I think I can’t help but feel…sad – upset – lonely – because all of those people have someone else to go back to in their house. And I don’t.

I know that some people have been socially distancing within houses, but I think for most people the two weeks for that is up – and I know that’s not the case for some people – you’ve got key workers that are living in houses where they can’t hug their partners, or children, or mums, or anything and I get that – but – I feel like a lot of support is going out for … key workers – obviously and rightfully so, and a lot of support is going out for people that are living in situations that are not good – for example, domestic abuse, or LGBT people that are living with people that do not accept them – and rightfully so that that support is there, and I’m so glad it’s there, but there’s not really been much mention of those people that are living on their own, and how it is affecting our mental health.

I’m a very huggy person. (starts crying) As most of you all know, and I’ve not had physical hug from anyone in like six weeks.

My back pain that I have normally anyway – I normally see a sports massage therapist for it every three weeks, or I’ve recently been seeing a physio who identified a problem with some of my muscles, that was potentially what’s causing the pain – I’ve not seen them for over six weeks now, and so the pain is getting worse.

I have been having to get up and….

I’m really lucky because I’m still working. But I am still so insecure about that. The security of knowing that my students are going to stay with me -I don’t have that (feeling of security) anymore. And every day I’m worried that I am going to lose my income as a self-employed person, and not be able to pay my rent, or my bills or for food. I’m really lucky that right now I can, but that knowledge – that confidence in the security knowing that students come and go, and I know that and I understand that – and I’m prepared for that as part of my business plan, but that’s before the lockdown. That knowledge was – students will leave, and there will be other people that want singing lessons – they’ll come in and you know, it will change around and that’s fine. With the lockdown now, and the unsurity of people’s income and finances and stuff. There is an underlying fear that I have right now that at some point I will have no income – or not enough income to cover my rent, and bills, and food. And that fear is there constantly. That is a constant fear, and I’ve seen the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs be shared a few times, and we are currently sitting right at the bottom of that – and I’m trying to keep functioning right at the top. Which is near on impossible honestly.

And I was doing okay. And it’s just hit me today and hopefully…you know…my therapist said, you’ve got to accept how you are when you’re down as well as with you’re up, but I wanted to share how I’m feeling today, because I’m sure there’s other people out there who are feeling like this as well – and you’re not on your own. I understand how you’re feeling – that that fear that you’re going to lose everything that you’ve built. It’s terrifying. And you’re still trying to function, and you’re still trying to do everything that you normally do, and it’s hard. I don’t expect it to be the same, and I need some time off, but I’m terrified to cancel lessons, because that’s my income, and if I cancel now I might not have enough money to pay my rent next month or the month after. And I know I’m in a much better situation than a lot of people – I am not saying that I’m in an awful situation. I am not – I’m really lucky. I’m really really lucky – but that doesn’t mean that I’m not struggling. And if you feel like that as well, just because you’re not as bad off as someone else, does not mean that your situation is not valid.

Yeah, so I guess I’m just sharing this to say you’re not on your own, and just to keep being authentically me, as I am on social media – as much as I can be, I try to be authentically me.

I’m loving all the groups that I’m running, and being able to be there for people, and this lockdown has opened up so many opportunities for me and my company to provide things. All of those things at the moment we’re providing for free, which obviously plays in to my fear of income. That stability and security. And I don’t want to ask people for payment for it because I understand, a lot of people are in the same boat – a lot of people are in worse boats, where they’ve lost completely lost their income.

But there is so much negative and so much positive and it’s overwhelming. People posting things about the amazing stuff that’s happening, and people posting things about all the negative stuff that’s happening and it is overwhelming. And it’s hard to step away from it. It’s really hard.

So yeah.

That’s pretty much it. How I’m feeling today. I’m not posting this for people to reach out – I mean if you want to reach out, that’s fine – I may not respond, because actually I’m really struggling with only having support through a screen at the moment. It’s almost worse, in a way, than not having anything – but I really appreciate everyone who is there for me. I have a lot of people who are that for me at the moment, and I appreciate you all so much.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll feel better. But yeah, I’ve had a lot of video calls with friends, as well as doing all my teaching – and that’s tiring in itself, just having lots of video calls. And today I’ve had that kind of feeling of – I’m loving having these video calls and being able to talk to my friends and family and everything. However, at the end of that video call, those people that I’m talking to – most of them, not all of them – there are some people I know that are living on their own and I know that you’re feeling like this too, but those people that I talk to – most of them, they finished the video call, and they get to go and hug their partner, or their child, or their Mum, or their Dad, or a friend that they’re living with, they get to go and be with them, and I don’t, and that’s really hard, and you almost feel more lonely after a video call.

Yeah, so this is me being authentic for you, because I think it’s important that people know they’re not on their own, and that we share authentically. So yeah, I hope this maybe helps someone. Bit of a ramble, that’s what I’m good at. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow. Still doing my daily steam check-ins, and you know trying to help people look after their voices, and do what I do best, which is teaching and being there for people. But it’s hard when you don’t have that confidence in those very basic needs.

So yeah. Thank you for everyone who’s listened to the end.

You’re not alone. And yeah. I’ll check in tomorrow I guess, and hopefully I’ll be feeling better. But if I’m not that’s okay. But yeah. I’m gonna go.